Coming up with men’s restroom rules wasn’t that hard. I’ve worked in an office environment for most of my life, and it’s safe to say that I have learned the do’s, don’ts and doo-doos of sharing a bathroom with dozens of men from multiple businesses.
I have a lot of experience in the bathroom, I’m sort of a poop prodigy. My Disney Poop Story alone would make you think I’m a magnet for crazy things happening to me in public restrooms. Iv’e had 6-year-old boys eyeball me through the stall door until I was finished, and I’ve had toilets overflow in the stall next to me.
I’ve even had problems in private restrooms, like when I was at a party as a 16-year-old, and asked the parents where the bathroom was. They pointed me toward a small door just next to the living room — where 20 other parents were congregated, quietly watching a movie. That movie had a bad ending for them — regardless of what was on the TV.
I thought I would save everyone some embarrassment, heartache and diseases, so here are my:
15 Men’s Restroom Rules
1. Don’t ever bring a drink (coffee, coke, beer) into the men’s room. And if I see you bringing in food, you’re dead to me. As a matter of fact, don’t ever bring anything you can’t read into the men’s room. Brian Flood, a former co-worker, once left a mini-Nerf football tucked behind the handle of the urinal. I can just imagine the next person he threw that ball to. May they rest in peace.
2. We use the urinal to pee. I don’t want to hear about your stagefright. You can stand there all day, I won’t make fun of you. Just think of melting ice, a flowing river, a dripping faucet or R Kelly.
3. The handicapped stall is free game as long as you know there is no handicapped person on your floor. If there is a handicapped person on your floor — you should offer to pick them up and help them back into their wheelchair.
4. “Va-crap-cations” are not allowed unless your restroom is full. Don’t take that trip from the third floor to the second floor for a vacation poop. You are stuck with the losers on your floor, so you deal with them.
5. Reading material is OK, but don’t leave it in there. It’s a nice thought, but really, I’m not crazy about using the same toilet as you, much less sharing your poop library.
6. Take a freaking step in at the urinal. Is there a reason there’s a puddle under it? Aren’t you really just kidding yourself by standing a foot and a half back?
8. As I enter the restroom and you leave, don’t touch me. No handshake. No fistbump. No slap on the back. Just give me the shameful “sorry-about-the-smell” headnod and move on.
9. If someone (me) is in one of the stalls, don’t conduct a meeting by the sink. This isn’t a conference room or a lounge. Give a brother some space.
10. If your phone rings, mute the ring and return the call afterward. Do NOT talk on your phone at the urinal or in a stall. While I’d LOVE to see you drop your phone in the yellow pool, the mere fact that you would probably continue to use it would make me throw up on you. Also, if you DO answer your phone, I will immediately flush my toilet a couple times, letting the person on the other line know where you are talking to them from.
11. If you’re in a stall, doing your duty (pun intended), and you hear me wrapping up, wait until I leave the bathroom before you finish. I don’t want to know who you are, you don’t want to know who I am.
12. If you miss the trash can with your paper towel, pick it up. Don’t make us suffer because you suck at bathroom basketball.
13. Courtesy flushes are optional. I’m not a stickler, but they are appreciated. While the sounds still make me giggle, I don’t need to smell your dinner+15 hours of stomach acid.
14. Snickering is absolutely allowed if certain noises occur. These are my rules.
15. Just stop the BS. Quit putting your gum in the urinal. Quit putting paper towels in the toilet. Quit flicking your nose treasures on the opposing stall walls.
I’d love to hear some of your rules!
And for the women, feel free to toss in some of your own as well. The Ladies Room is completely foreign to me. Is it true you have an espresso machine in there? How come I always hear Hawaiian music playing when the door swings open.
Here’s what I’m guessing a few of the Women’s Restroom Rules would be:
- If you do the hover-and-pee trick, wipe off the toilet.
- Don’t put pennies in the tampon machine.
- Never do anything that smells bad.
David Gonos spent 5 years as a CBSSports.com Senior Fantasy Writer and three more years writing with SI.com. Over the past 17 years, his work has been published on NFL.com, MLB.com, FanDuel, FoxSports.com and USA Today. Since 2001, he has been tracking down the Top 50-plus Free Fantasy Football Draft Tools online. You can contact David Gonos here.