15 Men’s Restroom Rules

Apr 30

15 Men’s Restroom Rules

Coming up with men’s restroom rules wasn’t that hard. I’ve worked in an office environment for most of my life, and it’s safe to say that I have learned the do’s, don’ts and doo-doos of sharing a bathroom with dozens of men from multiple businesses.

I have a lot of experience in the bathroom, I’m sort of a poop prodigy. My Disney Poop Story alone would make you think I’m a magnet for crazy things happening to me in public restrooms. Iv’e had 6-year-old boys eyeball me through the stall door until I was finished, and I’ve had toilets overflow in the stall next to me.

I’ve even had problems in private restrooms, like when I was at a party as a 16-year-old, and asked the parents where the bathroom was. They pointed me toward a small door just next to the living room — where 20 other parents were congregated, quietly watching a movie. That movie had a bad ending for them — regardless of what was on the TV.

I thought I would save everyone some embarrassment, heartache and diseases, so here are my:

 

15 Men’s Restroom Rules

1. Don’t ever bring a drink (coffee, coke, beer) into the men’s room. And if I see you bringing in food, you’re dead to me. As a matter of fact, don’t ever bring anything you can’t read into the men’s room. Brian Flood, a former co-worker, once left a mini-Nerf football tucked behind the handle of the urinal. I can just imagine the next person he threw that ball to. May they rest in peace.

2. We use the urinal to pee. I don’t want to hear about your stagefright. You can stand there all day, I won’t make fun of you. Just think of melting ice, a flowing river, a dripping faucet or R Kelly.

3. The handicapped stall is free game as long as you know there is no handicapped person on your floor. If there is a handicapped person on your floor — you should offer to pick them up and help them back into their wheelchair.

4. Vaca-shits are not allowed unless your restroom is full. Don’t take that trip from the third floor to the second floor for a vacation poop. You are stuck with the losers on your floor, so you deal with them.

5. Reading material is OK, but don’t leave it in there. It’s a nice thought, but really, I’m not crazy about using the same toilet as you, much less sharing your poop library.

6. Take a freaking step in at the urinal. Is there a reason there’s a puddle under it? Aren’t you really just kidding yourself by standing a foot and a half back?

Men's Bathroom Rules7. Washing of the hands is a must. And I better hear that soap dispenser get plunged once or twice too.

8. As I enter the restroom and you leave, don’t touch me. No handshake. No fistbump. No slap on the back. Just give me the shameful “sorry-about-the-smell” headnod and move on.

9. If someone (me) is in one of the stalls, don’t conduct a meeting by the sink. This isn’t a conference room or a lounge. Give a brother some space.

10. If your phone rings, mute the ring and return the call afterward. Do NOT talk on your phone at the urinal or in a stall. While I’d LOVE to see you drop your phone in the yellow pool, the mere fact that you would probably continue to use it would make me throw up on you. Also, if you DO answer your phone, I will immediately flush my toilet a couple times, letting the person on the other line know where you are talking to them from.

11. If you’re in a stall, doing your duty (pun intended), and you hear me wrapping up, wait until I leave the bathroom before you finish. I don’t want to know who you are, you don’t want to know who I am.

12. If you miss the trash can with your paper towel, pick it up. Don’t make us suffer because you suck at bathroom basketball.

13. Courtesy flushes are optional. I’m not a stickler, but they are appreciated. While the sounds still make me giggle, I don’t need to smell your dinner+15 hours of stomach acid.

14. Snickering is absolutely allowed if certain noises occur. These are my rules.

15. Just stop the BS. Quit putting your gum in the urinal. Quit putting paper towels in the toilet. Quit flicking your nose treasures on the opposing stall walls.

 

I’d love to hear some of your rules!

And for the women, feel free to toss in some of your own as well. The Ladies Room is completely foreign to me. Is it true you have an espresso machine in there? How come I always hear Hawaiian music playing when the door swings open.

Here’s what I’m guessing a few of the Women’s Restroom Rules would be:

  • If you do the hover-and-pee trick, wipe off the toilet.
  • Don’t put pennies in the tampon machine.
  • Never do anything that smells bad.

 


Remember when you agreed/disagreed with me!?! ... Feel free to leave a comment or share it with friends/enemies!

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8 comments

  1. RossDevonport /

    16. Unless it is unavoidable, always leave a urinal between you and anyone else in the restroom

    • Haha definitely. And if two guys are at two urinals on the left, and one guy is at a urinal on the right — you go to the urinal next to the two guys on the left.

      You don’t want to look like you are pairing up!

  2. DustyNewt /

    Remember to be green and turn off the lights as you exit… especially when there are feets under the stall door.

  3. Unfortunately, one rule that shouldn’t have to be explicitly spelled out is Flush. Seems obvious, but I’ve seen so many urinals with someone’s – ahem – froth sitting there. I don’t need to see that. And when I walk into a bathroom and your dookie is still sitting in the bowl, my entire day is pretty much ruined.

    Regarding women’s rules, my wife a long time ago had an e-mail from a co-

  4. Your rule #12 conflicts with my rule #1, NEVER bend over in the restroom, especially in a Mall or Airport.

  5. Carissa /

    Rules for women. Well, more like common sense.

    Keep your legs together while in the stall. I don’t want to see your shoes peeking under the stall wall, because I don’t want the temptation of matching shoe with face when we’re washing our hands.

    Turning the sink water on and wiping your dry hands with a paper towel does not count as washing your hands. Yes, I’ve seen ladies do this. And that’s how we get pink eye.

    If pieces of your weave fall out in the sink, rinse that MO FO down!

    If you just came out of the stall and you were making ungodly sounds and smells in there, DON’T make eye contact with me in the mirror. It will only cause me to burst out laughing.

    The couch in the bathroom is not for lounging on while you talk on your cell phone or have a f****** tea party with your girlfriends.

    If you use the last of the TP and you see someone walking into that stall, WARN THEM! No one wants to be stuck doing the drip dry dance.

    If you splash about in the sink, wipe the counter! No woman wants to lean up against it only to find a thick line of water left on her silk skirt because the girl before her was trying to reenact the “speed of mind” water training scene from The Count Of Monte Cristo.

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