Comparing Central Florida Against South Florida

A car insurance agent once explained to me why car insurance is so expensive in Broward County. He said it was because there are so many uninsured drivers down here that the ones with insurance have to pay the difference. That sucks. Canadians might be slow, but they aren’t driving most of the cabs in Central Florida either. EDGE: CENTRAL FLORIDA


Insane Interstate Traffic

Central Florida: I-4

South Florida: I-95 and 595

Strangely, I-95 handles twice the traffic of I-4, but it’s MUCH easier to navigate.  And 595 connects the middle class to Fort Lauderdale. It’s weird – if you live east of 95, you are either rich or poor. The problem with I-4 (and 595) is that it is never NOT under construction. Planners can’t figure out that it’s growing much faster than they anticipated, so by the time a project is done – it already needs to be bigger. They both suck. EDGE: TIED


Women with fake boobsPlastic Surgery

Central Florida: Breasts

South Florida: Breasts, faces, butts

Something weird happened in the early 2000s in Central Florida. The housing boom made those in the construction industry relatively wealthy, which meant blue-collar wives could suddenly afford boob jobs. Then the housing boom went bust, and those formerly wealthy guys are no longer wealthy. What that means is – it’s not uncommon to see plenty of fake boobs at the local Wal-Mart. If we were talking about natural beauties, South Florida would win. But … EDGE: CENTRAL FLORIDA

Latino Neighbors

Central Florida: Puerto Ricans

South Florida: Cubans

When I went to high school in Kissimmee in the late ‘80s, the smallest Puerto Ricans always had the biggest mouths. They’d start fights, and when you reacted, their hombres would step in as a group and pummel you into a poquito cube. They’re a close-knit community that swears Puerto Rico is great. Cubans, on the other hand, love living in the States, and their food is 10 times better. If Tony Montana was Puerto Rican, and said, “Say hello to my little friend,” he would have been referring to some big-mouthed little guy that started all of the trouble in the first place. EDGE: SOUTH FLORIDA


Leisurely Activities

Central Florida: Pig hunting, mudslinging, fresh-water fishing, shooting foreigners, thinking up Obama jokes then spelling them wrong

South Florida: Jimmy Buffett concerts, the beach, salt-water fishing, talking about the superiority of New York City, sitting shiva



College Football Fans

Central Florida: UCF, USF, Florida, FSU

South Florida: Miami

Gators fans have been painfully obnoxious dating back to the early ‘80s. USF became the fourth major football school just a few years in, after UCF had been trying for three decades, but USF’s fans have been mostly obnoxious/uninformed. FSU fans from the Bobby Bowden era were at least tolerable. Most Miami fans have never stepped one foot on the Miami campus. EDGE: TIED


Creature Features

Central Florida: Love bugs

South Florida: Green parrots and iguanas

Did you know that in May and September of every year, little black bugs with red heads overtake the roadways in Central Florida, covering your grill and windshield? They are love bugs, and were supposedly engineered to fight citrus canker – but never went away. Did you know that South Florida has a large population of green parrots that fly around free? And the area also has a ton of iguanas. Legend has it that Hurricane Andrew is partially responsible for the growth of both of these in this area, after large populations of them escaped pet stores, etc., after the storm. EDGE: SOUTH FLORIDA


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