The GFY Tour is a group of guys that I go with on baseball trips each year. They are an interesting group, to say the least. We’ve been doing these trips since 2009, with the original tour hitting Boston, New York and Philadelphia all within just four days. So before I post the blogs discussing those trips, or the one that we took in May of 2012 to Baltimore and Washington, D.C., I thought I’d explain just who these guys are, and that should help you get through the other blogs easier. It’s like an appendix of jackasses.
The Blog Industry has rated this blog R, for adult language, adult situations and sexual content. (Be honest, the last one is the one that intrigued you the most. Remember how excited you got when you saw a movie was going to have nudity in it, especially when you didn’t expect it? Then remember how unexcited you were once you found out it was a nude guy butt. They should let you know ahead of time, like, “Nude women, not dudes!” in the disclaimer.)
Eric Mack (aka Emack, Smack, The Mouth, Whittier, Cockblock): I worked next to Emack for about four years at CBSSports.com … He has absolutely no filter for his mouth. He introduced me to Amber Wilson (hot video chick) like this, “This is Gonos. We call him, ‘The Fat Man.’” … When I quote him, I ask that you read it in the cartoon-like annoying voice that we use when we impersonate him. Kind of like, Stan from South Park. “Heyyyy, my breath smells like a corpse fart!” Emack has a starring role in these blogs because he talks so much, he’s hilarious and doesn’t mind being poked fun of – and he does sooooo much that needs to be made fun of. He insisted on doing some GFY gangsta sign – where he spells out GFY with his fingers — for every picture that anyone took. He didn’t understand that every pic only showed one letter, so instead, he looks like he’s either crippled or dumb. Your choice.
Look-a-like: He said people have told him he looks like Tom Cruise. But he must have meant, “Tomas Cruz,” the Haitian mentally challenged guy that used to clean toilets at our office.
Quote: “Hey dude, you’re talking to the choir.”
Dr. Joe (aka Joey, The Silent Assassin, Dr. Tow, The Chiropractor, Tall bald guy, Dwyne’s roomie): Joey’s the nicest guy in the bunch. So I’ll only crack on him a lot. He has this weird affliction where he has a glass of Guinness welded to his hand at all times. Sure, makes it tough to drive, but you should see him work when his patients come in for an adjustment. He’s a quiet Irishman around chicks early on, then turns on the drunken charm in the ninth. Of all of my friends, he’s the only one I wouldn’t beat to a pulp if he dated my ex, mostly because he tricked me into dating his ex.
Look-a-like: If the old “Henry” comic strip character and Bashful Dwarf had a child, they’d name him Dr. Joe.
Brett Tresky (aka BT, Titsky, E-4, Skipper, The Closer, Pissky, BP, MacGyver, Spelllchek): I’ve said in the past, BT knows a little about everything – but just a little. His spelling errors are legendary (recently posting this (I SWEAR!) on Twitter: “Testint out twitterberry. Anone use this ?”) And since half of his friends happen to be writers, he catches extra crap for his mistakes. I can’t imagine the stress he goes through when sending out an email to the softball group, hoping spellcheck did its job. Meanwhile, he’s the guy we always go to when we have computer problems or whatever. He’s the manager of our softball team, and he’s definitely our Terry Francona – batting .274 like Terry did over his career. His body rejects all moisture: He pees 19 times a day and sweats uncontrollably like he stole something from church.
Look-a-like: If Eminem and Homer Simpson had a baby.
Quote: “I was dishelved!”
Dwyne Philippin (aka DP, DWINE, Big-head, Liquid Dwayno, Steelers homo, Big DP, Mushroom-head): Dwyne is everyone’s friend to a fault. Need a place to live rent-free for awhile? Be Dwyne’s roommate! His hat size is legendary; his dance moves are notorious; his snoring is epic. Must-See Dwyne Items: “Billie Jean” dance moves, dives in the outfield, partially shaved eyebrow and C-A-N-E-S, CANES, CANES, CANES! Must-NOT-See Dwyne Items: Hairy coin slot, Betty Boop tattoo.
Look-a-like: If Frisch’s Big Boy and the moon had a baby.
Quote: “Sexual chocolate!”
George Wakeling (aka G-Dub, GW, Jorge, The Australian Guy, Crocodile Dummy, Wake, Marl-Cards-Sox fan): Erik Flanagan tagged Wakeling as the “Dad” of the trip and it kinda made sense. The rest of us were generally running about with no sense of direction and he was like the mother hen collecting the drunken chicks, trying to get us to each destination intact. He had the maps, the backpack, the compass, the Kleenex to wipe our noses, the morning after pills for our lady friends, the extra pair of underwear in case Emack shat himself — he had everything covered. That’s not to say he didn’t have fun, he was just the organized one. Had G-Dub not been around, we would most likely be lying in a gutter somewhere in Boston right now – stabbed by one of Jimmy’s friends. He’s a Jimmy Buffett veteran and he made sure everyone had fun on this trip. If we didn’t, he was going to turn this bus around, Mister. George left CBS Sports to work as the Advance/Transportation Logistics Manager for Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign in 2007-08. He was THIS close to becoming vice-vice-president.
Look-a-like: Imagine Magnum P.I. and a kangaroo had a baby.
Quote: “The lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.”
Jimmy O’Halloran (aka Jimmmaaaaaaaay, O’Houlihan, Kid that needs Ritalin, The Maverick): Jimmy was, without question, the wild card of this whole trip. I knew what to expect from everyone else on the trip, but I had never been with super-drunk Jimmy. He was the only married guy on the trip, and I totally remember thinking, “Ellen must have him on one of those phone-cord leashes when they go anywhere.” But he always kept us laughing in an Adam Sandler kinda way. Everything he did was funny. He didn’t mind being the punchline either, just as long as everyone was laughing. His heavy Boston accent makes everything funny. “That guy’s retahded!” Unfortunately, he grew up with rough friends that apparently got into a lot of fights – I’m guessing because Jimmy said something he shouldn’t have. There were numerous times where we had to beg him to shut up, which is like saying, “Hey earth, stop spinning.” It is not going to happen, so think of Step 2 – quickly.
Look-a-like: If Adam Sandler and Scrat the Squirrel from Ice Age had a baby.
Quote: “I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.”
Gonos (aka Gonads, Angry Old Man, The Fat Man, The Historian, DG, Big D): Ahhhh yes, the reporter in the crew. I’ve been known to be a temperamental fella. Things will be going smooth, then I’ll snap about something. It’s what I do. My friend Dobish gave the best illustration one day at work, after I snapped at him for clipping his fingernails at work for 25 straight minutes. “Gonos is like a cat. He’s sweet and cuddly while you’re petting him, then all of a sudden, ‘Rrrrrarrrrrrr!’ and he slices you to ribbons with his claws.” I had a bad ankle on the trip (from softball), so I was slower than normal, which is like frozen molasses. I’m also known to be a connoisseur of every public restroom on the eastern seaboard, but again, for whatever reason, I didn’t have that much trouble on this trip. The other guys, meanwhile, were dropping deuces at Fenway Park, on the airplane, everywhere! Oh wait, I did go on the train to Philly. That sucked. It was like crapping in a large closet rolling downstairs, while your legs were pinned under a sink. While you read me bust on other people in these blogs, you’ll also find that I’m quick to take shots at myself. Just like in real life, if you make a funnier joke about yourself first, then you beat others to the punch. Fat ass.
Look-a-like: Imagine Tony Soprano had a kid with Kevin James, then filled him with Cheetos and kielbasa.
Quote: “This bar is not crowded enough for all of us to be standing this close to each other.”
I hope this explanation of each person’s character was helpful in setting up the upcoming GFY blogs, like our GFY Tour that started in Boston in 2009. There’s plenty of story to go around, I just hope I can relay it all.
David Gonos spent 5 years as a CBSSports.com Senior Fantasy Writer and three more years writing with SI.com. Over the past 17 years, his work has been published on NFL.com, MLB.com, FanDuel, FoxSports.com and USA Today. Since 2001, he has been tracking down the Top 50-plus Free Fantasy Football Draft Tools online. You can contact David Gonos here.