12 Ways to Know You Are at a Crappy Super Bowl Party

Jan 30

12 Ways to Know You Are at a Crappy Super Bowl Party

An old football-watching buddy of mine emailed me a few years ago reminiscing about a bad Super Bowl party or two that we had been to together. Tom reminded me of the time my brother-in-law invited us over to his house for the ’99 Super Bowl (Falcons and Broncos), and then when we got there, he had a 20″ TV and a bad cable connection. We were also together at a Super Bowl party in ’94 (49ers and Chargers) when some guy had a karaoke machine. And he kept yelling, “Fumble-aya!!!” During the ’96 Super Bowl (Steelers and Cowboys), some chick sat in a prime seat (you know the ones: direct viewing angle, cushy bottom, short reach for snackage) and she talked about everything else in the world except the game, which she could care less about. This was also the party that my brother-in-law (same one) was using a red laser pointer to play with the cat in front of the television for like, I don’t know, six hours. Tom remembered all of these — apparently I had blocked them out of my memory until he brought them back up. I need counseling again. Thanks Tom. This does explain why I’m quick to snap on someone nowadays, though. There’s no way I let some Chatty Cathy go on and on during the whole Super Bowl again. A karaoke machine would have no chance. I’m less of a man for even being associated with that now. So Tom explained to me that he and another friend (Carl) got together to make a Super Bowl pact: They will always do a Super Bowl together only at their houses for the next 10 years. This is a great idea! Another rule they added is that the people invited to the Super Bowl party had to have come over at some point during the season to watch a game. That weeds out the looky-loos and the Bruno Mars fans. And if they did come over at some point during the season, they: Did not talk more than 10 percent of non-football related topics Brought good snacks Didn’t bring noisy kids And they proved their football knowledge. As Tom mentioned, the midseason game...

Read More

10 Super Bowl Party Dos and Don’ts

Jan 30

10 Super Bowl Party Dos and Don’ts

The Super Bowl is finally here — which means you might be in danger of violating some major Super Bowl Party Dos and Don’ts.  DO wear a jersey of a team that is playing in the big game. DON’T effin wear the jersey of your team that not only did not make it to the Super Bowl, but didn’t even make it to the playoffs. Don’t be that guy (or gal). While we are on the subject of jerseys, ladies, please stop wearing pink jerseys. It’s not cute when Jessica Simpson does it and it certainly isn’t cute when you do it either. Pink is for baby showers and Pepto, not football. DO bring some beer over to the house where you will be watching the game. Chances are there will already be beer, but who cares. You can never have too much. DON’T opt out of bringing beer then proceed to complain about the kind the host is offering. “Oh, all you have is Bud Light? Eeee, um, I’m all set. I’ll just drink some milk.” DO ask the host prior to Sunday if they’d like you to bring over some sort of food or chips. Just like beer, there is no such thing as too much food. DON’T bring over something stupid and/or gross like a veggie platter or chopped liver with rye bread squares just to say you brought something. You’re not sitting Shiva, this is the Super Bowl, idiot. DO feel free to discuss the commercials that air during the Super Bowl. DON’T wait until the game is back on to talk about a commercial that just ended and expect everyone to turn their attention to you doing an impression of the E* Trade baby doing a touchdown dance in his highchair. DO ask the host at the end of the game if they need help with anything, such as cleaning or taking some food or beer off their hands. DON’T just start grabbing as much food and beer as you can carry and make a beeline for the door. Chances are you’ll be drunk and probably trip on your way out and embarrass yourself more than you already have — you scavenger. Good luck! Hopefully, these...

Read More

This Thanksgiving, Go Straight to Sandwiches

Nov 28

This Thanksgiving, Go Straight to Sandwiches

The game that started it all, that Turkey Day classic between the Detroit Lions and the undefeated Chicago Bears was broadcast in 1934 on a paltry 94 radio stations. The young Detroit Lions sold out their 26,000 seat stadium that year, and even though they lost the game, they have played on Thanksgiving Day ever since. The Dallas Cowboys joined the day’s lineup in 1966, pretty much for the same reason, to boost their popularity, and General Manager Tex Schramm ran with the opportunity. America’s team, and its cheerleaders, still grace television screens for happy fans. They’ve only missed that Turkey Day game twice in the intervening years. The Cowboys host the Oakland Raiders at 4:30 p.m. ET Thursday, Nov. 28, on FOX. This Thanksgiving, the Lions meet Green Bay for the first game of the day beginning at 12:30 p.m. ET, broadcast by CBS. The prime-time slot this year will be filled by the Pittsburgh Steelers/Baltimore Ravens contest, slated for 8:30 p.m. ET on NBC. A Twist on Thanksgiving Tradition As you embrace the football tradition this year, why not have hearty sandwiches as your primary Thanksgiving feast, instead of waiting for the leftovers? You know you’d love the ease of preparation, and what’s not to enjoy about a day-long television and eating festival with a group of friends and family? The most important preparation you can make is to arrange for plenty of comfortable seating in front of the big-screen. If you’re currently a subscriber to direcTV, you already have the basic ingredients for a great party. You probably already know about the advantages of NFL Sunday Ticket — it’s not just football, you know. If you don’t have Sunday Ticket, there’s time to contact www.Direct.tv to activate your service before the big day. How to Feed the Crowd For the best possible pigskin party this year, you can plan to eat all day — provide plenty of grazing options and let guests cruise past the food tables as their appetites dictate. But save yourself the hassle of preparing a “sit-down” dinner, and eliminate the L-triptophan-induced stupor that too much food produces. Instead of roasting a turkey, try smoking one. Slice smoked turkey for do-it-yourself-sandwiches on a...

Read More

Best Chips Ever Mock Draft

Dec 09

Best Chips Ever Mock Draft

People that know me know I’m serious about three things: Dogs that look like people, “Three’s Company” fan fiction – and snack chips. There’s nothing worse than going to someone’s house for a party, and finding out their idea of the best chips ever is a half-open bag of store-brand potato chips, with some organic veggie chips that they claim, “Tastes like real food!” So my intention with this post is to educate everyone. It’s to help people understand that they don’t have to be the party host that everyone avoids come Super Bowl time. I’ve done mock drafts on things like “Best Candy Bars Ever,” “Best Classic Rock Albums Ever,” and “Best Fantasy Football Draft Party Locations,” but this one hits close to my heart. This Best Chips Ever Mock Draft should help everyone understand that there are certain chips that are keystones to every get-together, and some chips that play supporting roles. The rules are – these snack chips have to be available at most grocery stores in the nation (Zapp’s makes it in the second round, despite being a mostly Cajun country chip), and they have to be found on the chip aisle (no crazy organic ones found in the organic aisle). While some chips are much better with dip, these chips below need to be able to stand on their own. That means plain old Tostitos ain’t makin’ the cut! You need salsa for the complete tortilla chips experience.   Best Chips Ever Mock Draft   ROUND ONE   1.01 Nacho Cheese Doritos Yep. Doritos. You need to have an “on-its-own” chip at the top of the list, and Nacho-flavored Doritos are just that. It brings its own cheese dip taste! It’s like Marshall Faulk, bringing receiving touchdowns to go with his rushing touchdowns. If you show up to any party with Nacho Cheese Doritos, the worst case scenario is that it’s a second bag – and everyone’s still happy. This flavor was the original, introducing us to a “nacho cheese” flavor that was essentially unknown before 1966. (Lil’ known fact: They were originally created in a restaurant at Disneyland!) Best with: A second bag of the best chips ever   1.02 Ruffles Cheddar and...

Read More

Fantasy Football Gameday: Spicy Popcorn Recipe

Nov 24

Fantasy Football Gameday: Spicy Popcorn Recipe

People that know me know I love three things: Spicy things, popcorn and wearing skinny jeans. (OK, notsomuch the third, but I like to keep you on your toes.) So I thought I’d take some time out to share with you my Spicy Popcorn recipe, which should make any game-watching activities even greater. It ain’t rocket surgery, but many people aren’t familiar with popping your own popcorn in this day and age, so I’ll spell it all out. Popcorn is so insanely cheap, especially compared to its microwaved versions, and popping it yourself makes such a better taste, without that chalky aftertaste you get from the unhealthy microwaved kinds. Popcorn lung is for lazy people! And this spicy popcorn is very addictive. If you like spicy things, you will find yourself chain-eating this stuff until the bowl is empty, except for a handful of unpopped kernels. Spicy Popcorn Recipe: Basic Explanation Ingredients: 1/3 cup – Canola Oil 3/4 cup – Orville Redenbacher’s White Popcorn 1/2 tsp – Cayenne Pepper 2 tbsp – Melted butter Salt — to taste Yields – 22 Cups Set a 3-qt pot on medium-high heat, and pour in the oil, popcorn kernels and cayenne pepper. Shake up so that the pepper and oil get on all of the kernels. Put lid on, but tilt it just a bit to let steam escape, but no popcorn! Shake the popcorn after it starts popping, so that all the unpopped kernels drop back down to the bottom. Once the popcorn comes close to popping over the lid, pour most of it into a huge bowl, then set the remaining popcorn back onto the stove until the popping slows to a stop. Then pour the rest into the big bowl, pour melted butter over the popcorn, sprinkle with salt.   Spicy Popcorn Recipe: Extra Details Ingredients: 1/3 cup – Canola Oil Olive oil will give you a completely different taste, and will also most likely burn your popcorn if you don’t time everything just right. 3/4 cup – Orville Redenbacher’s White Popcorn Other white popcorn is good, too (like Jolly Time), but Orville’s is MUCH better and worth the price ($5 compared to $2). And buying popcorn like this...

Read More

Fantasy Football Gameday: Spicy Lowfat Turkey Chili Recipe

Sep 09

Fantasy Football Gameday: Spicy Lowfat Turkey Chili Recipe

A few years ago, I started working out with a great trainer named Doug Jackson. (About a month into it, I cracked my tailbone snowboarding and pretty much never went back to work out … ever. But this isn’t about that.) Doug shared a version of this recipe for Lowfat Turkey Chili that I turned into my version of Spicy Lowfat Turkey Chili recipe. It’s perfect for a Fantasy Football Game Day when you’re trying to not be huge. Spicy Lowfat Turkey Chili Recipe 1 lb. Ground Turkey Breast 1 can Dark Red Kidney Beans (drained, rinsed) 2 cans Chili Kidney Beans (drained, rinsed) 1 Large Can Whole Peeled Tomatoes 1 cup Water 1 package Frozen Corn 1 package Chili Seasoning 1 package Ranch Mix 1/4 tsp to 1 tsp Cayenne Pepper Handful of Jalapeno Peppers (some sliced, some minced) (optional) Couple Habanero Peppers (thinly siced) (optional) Light Sour Cream (optional) Shredded Mexican Cheese Directions: In a pot, on medium heat, brown the ground turkey – then drain the juice if there is any. Add chili seasoning, mix well. Add the beans and peppers. Add the (undrained) tomatoes, but make sure you hand-crush each tomato as you add it to the pot. Add corn and water and stir. Add Ranch Mix and stir. Stir in cayenne pepper. Simmer for 30-45 minutes.   Serve over brown rice if you like, it tends to help cut the spiciness a bit. Also, a dollop of light sour cream or Mexican cheese is a nice addition. And finally, when you’ve decided taste is more important than weight-loss – use Fritos Scoops to scoop up super bites!   Spicy Lowfat Turkey Chili Recipe ingredients Notes Yeah, that’s right – corn. I entered this into a chili contest at OPEN Sports a few years ago, and one of the judges immediately dismissed my entry because “there’s no corn in chili. NEXT!” I was really sad later on when he found out he had three slashed tires. By the way, it’s important to get ground turkey breast because just regular ground turkey isn’t too far off calories/fat-wise from regular ground beef. Don’t worry about salt and pepper, since the chili seasoning and the Ranch mix takes...

Read More

2012 Best Fantasy Football Draft Party Locations Mock Draft

Aug 01

2012 Best Fantasy Football Draft Party Locations Mock Draft

How many more years do you think it will take for the Hallmark people, or if you’re a rich dude, the Papyrus people, to figure out that a Fantasy Football draft is actually a holiday? And where do you celebrate such a holiday? Where does one go for the best Fantasy Football Draft party? As my draft looms right around the corner, my wife is becoming more and more cognizant of how important this is to me. She knows I won’t useful in the weeks that lead up to my Sept. 2 draft. As the commissioner of my long running Memorial League, (A Memorial League is a league that pays tribute to a fallen soldier from the sports, entertainment or music Industries. Past examples include Michael Jackson, Randy the “Macho Man” Savage, Manute Bol, etc.) And much time is needed for preparations regarding Draft Day festivities. I have to: Get verbal and monetary confirmations of participation. Study the rules and make any necessary changes, as well as make a spreadsheet for owners. Ask for time off work to recuperate. Think up cool team names that are appropriate to the theme. Make a draft board — but most importantly … Reserve a location for the festivities. Having fun is probably the only reason my friends come back each year. It sure isn’t for the money. That’s why it’s so important to pick a spot that is conducive for an ideal draft. Over the years I’ve tried many sports bars in the area I live in and none have really stuck. There are some amazing places that you can go for your Fantasy Football Draft Party this year, depending on where you live. All you have to do is make sure that wherever you choose, the establishment provides amazing food, adequate beer selection, enough space for everyone and their paraphernalia, and a good atmosphere to make things memorable. I’ve looked high and low, then east to west, searching out America’s best locations. Without further delay I present my:   2012 Best Fantasy Football Draft Party Locations Mock Draft   1.01 Lagasse’s Stadium – Las Vegas I doubt Emeril spends much time keeping up on all the latest Fantasy Football trends. However,...

Read More
Page 1 of 212
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox

Join other followers: