The Day George Brett Pooped Himself (VIDEO)

Jun 06

The Day George Brett Pooped Himself (VIDEO)

A couple of years ago, this video of Kansas City Royals Hall-of-Famer George Brett telling a poop story came out. He tells a wonderful tale of the time he crapped himself while standing in the lobby of the Bellagio. I know what you’re thinking, “Hey, George. You are one dirty third baseman. Please don’t shake my hand.” Before you read on, I’m going to ask that you watch the video, then rejoin me after the video.     So here are some items that I gleaned from this thing: He tells a new poop story at least twice a year. He likes crab legs – but he is unable to distinguish ones that have turned bad before eating them. If he’s ever standing still in a hotel lobby, walk the other way. Don’t ever borrow his leather jacket, jeans or shoes. Larry is a great friend. He’s like The Wolf on Pulp Fiction. I imagine this conversation happened at one point after Brett called him. “That gives us exactly — 40 minutes to get the poop out of your pants. Which, if you do what I say when I say it, should be plenty. Now, you’ve got diarrhea in your pants and soiled shoes in a bathroom stall. Take me to it.” Don’t ever get behind George Brett on an escalator. Other Royals players generally move around a lot and try not to look too interested in anything George has to say. Now here are some afterthoughts. This is the same guy that missed part of Game 1 of the 1980 ALC because he was suffering from hemorrhoids. He still craps himself twice a year? You realize that’s an average, right? Like some years, he soils himself once – some years, thrice! The day George Brett pooped himself was a good day for everyone else. I’m not judging, heck, I have enough poop stories to fill a septic tank, including this one from a trip I took to Disney. I think most guys have had one or more of the following incidents happen to them in the past few years (months? weeks?): Sharting: Philip Seymour Hoffman made this fashionable in “Along Came Polly.” It’s when you think you’re about to fart,...

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My Disney Poop Story

May 15

My Disney Poop Story

There are certain moments that seem to define your life. My trip to the bathroom at Disney about 10 years ago was one of those moments. This story is long, but the payoff is worth it. Don’t be discouraged just because it’s called a “poop story.” It was a hot and humid day at the Magic Kingdom. I had just polished off a bread bowl full of clam chowder and the family decided to hit Splash Mountain. Lines at Disney are a little like foreplay — you have to sit through a whole lot of crap before you get to the good stuff. The Splash Mountain line was standing at about a 75-minute wait at the back end. My stomach gurgled its disapproval, but I calmed it down with a Mousketeer bar. About an hour into waiting, after winding through miles of walkway (I swear it was in a circle!), my stomach could not hold off any longer, and any sudden drops down a flume ride would probably give the cleanup crew much more than they bargained for. Let me give you a little explanation about myself. I must have inherited the shortest intestines in the world from my father. After a big meal (which is every meal), I get what my father called, “a two-minute warning.” If I don’t make it to a toilet within that two-minute period, there’s a great chance I’ll be going home in a different pair of pants than the ones I left with. So, within 15 minutes or so from the front of the line, I decide to bail. By now, I’ve broken into a cold sweat and I can barely speak. I ask the ride attendant where the closest restroom is and he points it out to me. I can actually see the “Men” sign from where I’m standing and I smile. On the way there, I begin regretting not having anything to read, but then again, beggars can’t be choosers. I’m sure you are familiar with Pavlov’s dog — bell rings, dog begins to salivate. There’s something similar related to men and restrooms — as we get closer, our bowels begin to loosen up. As I approach the restroom, I realize there...

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15 Men’s Restroom Rules

Apr 30

15 Men’s Restroom Rules

Coming up with men’s restroom rules wasn’t that hard. I’ve worked in an office environment for most of my life, and it’s safe to say that I have learned the do’s, don’ts and doo-doos of sharing a bathroom with dozens of men from multiple businesses. I have a lot of experience in the bathroom, I’m sort of a poop prodigy. My Disney Poop Story alone would make you think I’m a magnet for crazy things happening to me in public restrooms. Iv’e had 6-year-old boys eyeball me through the stall door until I was finished, and I’ve had toilets overflow in the stall next to me. I’ve even had problems in private restrooms, like when I was at a party as a 16-year-old, and asked the parents where the bathroom was. They pointed me toward a small door just next to the living room — where 20 other parents were congregated, quietly watching a movie. That movie had a bad ending for them — regardless of what was on the TV. I thought I would save everyone some embarrassment, heartache and diseases, so here are my:   15 Men’s Restroom Rules 1. Don’t ever bring a drink (coffee, coke, beer) into the men’s room. And if I see you bringing in food, you’re dead to me. As a matter of fact, don’t ever bring anything you can’t read into the men’s room. Brian Flood, a former co-worker, once left a mini-Nerf football tucked behind the handle of the urinal. I can just imagine the next person he threw that ball to. May they rest in peace. 2. We use the urinal to pee. I don’t want to hear about your stagefright. You can stand there all day, I won’t make fun of you. Just think of melting ice, a flowing river, a dripping faucet or R Kelly. 3. The handicapped stall is free game as long as you know there is no handicapped person on your floor. If there is a handicapped person on your floor — you should offer to pick them up and help them back into their wheelchair. 4. Vaca-shits are not allowed unless your restroom is full. Don’t take that trip from the third floor to the second...

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