The Fat Man Olympics

Jul 21

The Fat Man Olympics

Michael Phelps – heard of him? He has 93 gold medals, farts rainbows and craps gold bullion. He has never heard of the fat man Olympics. The greatest athlete ever said in his autobiography that he eats about 12,000 calories a day. Twelve thousand. Even for a fat guy, that would be tough to accomplish. But his metabolism, workout regimen and the fact that he has made a deal with the devil, burns off the calories. Phelps’ typical breakfast? How about this: Three fried egg sandwiches (lettuce, tomato, fried onions and mayo), one omelet, one bowl of grits, three slices of French toast (with powdered sugar), and three chocolate chip pancakes. Me? I eat seven Cheerios and gain 18 pounds. So in the spirit of the Olympic Games, and in honor of Phelps’ 137 gold medals, I decided it’s time to come up with some events for the Fat Man Olympics that would turn me into a hero. I’m not talking about these speed-eating events that skinny Japanese guys win. No, I’m talking a TRUE test of fattitude.   The Fat Man Olympics     Water sports: Cannonball Some people point to the belly-flop as the true Fat Man’s watersport event — but that hurts. The cannonball, on the other hand, affects everyone else. A perfect “10.0” cannonball should induce a concussion. Water displacement makes for an easy measurement, too. Sleep apnea How many minutes can you stop breathing at random points in between snores throughout the night? I once stopped breathing for a whole weekend, then I smelled someone cooking bacon and it revived me in time for brunch. Furniture endurance Who can sit in a wicker chair and NOT break it the longest? Wing eating I’m not talking speed, but precision. How much meat can you take off the bones of 25 buffalo wings? I see these kids nowadays taking just one or two bites out of chicken wings before moving on to the next one, and I’m ashamed. It makes me think, “You know, there’s a fat kid in China that would kill for that extra meat.” Speed and willpower How quickly can you search through a stack of magazines to find one you haven’t read before...

Read More

Things I Hate About Running a 5K

Feb 16

Things I Hate About Running a 5K

I inexplicably signed up to run a 5K this past Saturday morning in downtown Fort Lauderdale. No, they didn’t have All-You-Can-Eat Wings at the finish line, nor did they make me chase a cheeseburger wagon the entire course. I’m trying to get back into shape is all – back off! (Dieting makes me grumpy.) I‘ve run three 5Ks before (not on the same day), but they were all the same route and I knew that route well. This one was up, down and around, which made the run even more challenging. Besides actually having to run it, here are a few things I hate about running a 5K: Parents that run with their 6-year-old kids Look, I’m not destroying little Ethan’s self-confidence with my devastating 12-1 curveball in little league. So don’t bring little Zachary out to the 5K just to run by me, which in turn shames me into adjusting my route to run through Dunkin Donuts. Free t-shirt not in my size Americans are the fattest people in the world. Can we start adjusting our t-shirt ratios a little better? Thanks for the t-shirt, though. My 12-year-old niece will enjoy wearing it before she outgrows it. Getting in line late After I got my runner’s number, electronic tag and baby t-shirt, I realized I needed to put stuff back in my truck if I wanted to keep it. By the time I got back to the starting line, the national anthem was being sung and runners were taking their marks. So my fat ass starts speed-stretching, which is always a good idea. The gun goes off – and I have one hamstring all bendy and warm, meanwhile, the other hammy is tighter than a virgin’s daughter. I ended up running in a 30-yard circle for 20 minutes like a car with a flat. Fat bastards that run faster than me That’s just not cool. I like to say stuff to them when they pass me like, “Wouldn’t stapling your stomach be easier?” or “I hear the third triple-bypass is a charm!” They usually don’t respond ,though, because the words come out of my gasping-for-air mouth like this, “Kkkcchhhaaa hhaffffff, bllaaaaaahhhhh, phlaaaaaghhhh.” But they can read my facial...

Read More
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox

Join other followers: