A couple of years ago, this video of Kansas City Royals Hall-of-Famer George Brett telling a poop story came out. He tells a wonderful tale of the time he crapped himself while standing in the lobby of the Bellagio.
I know what you’re thinking, “Hey, George. You are one dirty third baseman. Please don’t shake my hand.”
Before you read on, I’m going to ask that you watch the video, then rejoin me after the video.
So here are some items that I gleaned from this thing:
- He tells a new poop story at least twice a year.
- He likes crab legs – but he is unable to distinguish ones that have turned bad before eating them.
- If he’s ever standing still in a hotel lobby, walk the other way.
- Don’t ever borrow his leather jacket, jeans or shoes.
- Larry is a great friend. He’s like The Wolf on Pulp Fiction. I imagine this conversation happened at one point after Brett called him. “That gives us exactly — 40 minutes to get the poop out of your pants. Which, if you do what I say when I say it, should be plenty. Now, you’ve got diarrhea in your pants and soiled shoes in a bathroom stall. Take me to it.”
- Don’t ever get behind George Brett on an escalator.
- Other Royals players generally move around a lot and try not to look too interested in anything George has to say.
Now here are some afterthoughts.
- This is the same guy that missed part of Game 1 of the 1980 ALC because he was suffering from hemorrhoids.
- He still craps himself twice a year? You realize that’s an average, right? Like some years, he soils himself once – some years, thrice!
- The day George Brett pooped himself was a good day for everyone else.
I’m not judging, heck, I have enough poop stories to fill a septic tank, including this one from a trip I took to Disney.
- Sharting: Philip Seymour Hoffman made this fashionable in “Along Came Polly.” It’s when you think you’re about to fart, but instead, it’s a lumpy fart … with corn. The instant it happens, you kind of get that off-into-the-distance look. Your life flashes before your eyes. And it’s usually a magnet for women to come up instantly to talk to you.
- Skidmarks: Your wife usually notices more than you do. It’s when your boxers end up with one more stripe at the end of the day than they had in the beginning.
- Swamp-Ass: This usually arrives mid-softball game – when you had buffalo wings for lunch. A mud-river of sweat accumulates in your crack. Others usually know you’ve got Swamp-Ass cuz you shimmy a little when you walk.
- Snarting: When you accidentally sneeze so hard you blow out the back of your pants.
- Dingleberries: Look. Men are hairy for the most part. And we’re in a hurry. Sometimes we don’t have time to wipe 14 times.
Keeping all of this in mind, let’s not be so hasty to make fun of George Brett. He might have 3,154 career basehits, but he’s still just a man – evidently, a man with very poor sphincter control.