Michael Phelps – heard of him? He has 93 gold medals, farts rainbows and craps gold bullion. He has never heard of the fat man Olympics.
The greatest athlete ever said in his autobiography that he eats about 12,000 calories a day. Twelve thousand. Even for a fat guy, that would be tough to accomplish. But his metabolism, workout regimen and the fact that he has made a deal with the devil, burns off the calories.
Phelps’ typical breakfast? How about this: Three fried egg sandwiches (lettuce, tomato, fried onions and mayo), one omelet, one bowl of grits, three slices of French toast (with powdered sugar), and three chocolate chip pancakes.
Me? I eat seven Cheerios and gain 18 pounds.
So in the spirit of the Olympic Games, and in honor of Phelps’ 137 gold medals, I decided it’s time to come up with some events for the Fat Man Olympics that would turn me into a hero. I’m not talking about these speed-eating events that skinny Japanese guys win. No, I’m talking a TRUE test of fattitude.
The Fat Man Olympics
Water sports: Cannonball
Some people point to the belly-flop as the true Fat Man’s watersport event — but that hurts. The cannonball, on the other hand, affects everyone else. A perfect “10.0” cannonball should induce a concussion. Water displacement makes for an easy measurement, too.
How many minutes can you stop breathing at random points in between snores throughout the night? I once stopped breathing for a whole weekend, then I smelled someone cooking bacon and it revived me in time for brunch.
Who can sit in a wicker chair and NOT break it the longest?
I’m not talking speed, but precision. How much meat can you take off the bones of 25 buffalo wings? I see these kids nowadays taking just one or two bites out of chicken wings before moving on to the next one, and I’m ashamed. It makes me think, “You know, there’s a fat kid in China that would kill for that extra meat.”
Speed and willpower
How quickly can you search through a stack of magazines to find one you haven’t read before running to the bathroom? And as a secondary event, how many pages of that magazine can you read in one sitting?
Finger and mental dexterity
Speediest (and error-free) phone call for pizza delivery.
Making clothes that fit six months ago fit once again by stretching them just short of ripping them in half before dressing.
Eating Super-Sized meals while driving on the interstate (including fry-dipping into ketchup), also managing both a soft drink and milkshake, before getting home for the wife’s dinner.
How long does it take one to bend over and tie their shoes without an oxygen tank?
And after all those events, I’d say the smart thing would be to reinforce the medal stand for the Olympic fatties … and order some pizzas because we’re going to be hungry.
David Gonos spent 5 years as a CBSSports.com Senior Fantasy Writer and three more years writing with SI.com. Over the past 17 years, his work has been published on NFL.com, MLB.com, FanDuel, FoxSports.com and USA Today. Since 2001, he has been tracking down the Top 50-plus Free Fantasy Football Draft Tools online. You can contact David Gonos here.