I have worked in an office environment since 1991. (That’s about 847 years in office-working time.) I’ve worked in customer service, in accounts receivables, on a writing staff, in a newsroom and in the wide-open space I’m at now, with DigitalLanding.com.
I’m lucky to have the job and the co-workers I currently have, but my years of experience have taught me one thing – headphones and office cleaning services are your friends.
Annoying people annoy me. (You can use that slogan, too, if you want.)
13 Most Annoying People in Your Office
In no particular order …
Loud Guy on the Phone: I love when a guy is on the phone having a personal conversation, but he’s so loud, the person on the other line can hear him without the phone. The best part is when you make an innocent comment about something he was obviously NOT being private about and he gets pissed off.
Me: “Dude, you’ve seen Taylor Swift 14 times!?!”
Dude: “QUIT LISTENING TO MY CONVERSATIONS!!!”
Person That Insists On Sitting On My Desk: Are your legs that weak that you can’t hold your paunchy self up for three minutes while you talk to me about the information I’ve already sent you in an email? You know, I put apples on my desk. Sometimes a random cookie or 14 sit on my desk as well. It would be great if it didn’t taste like your butt. (Exception: Most guys don’t mind if hot girls sit on their desk.)
Someone-Stole-My-Crappy-Food Chick: There’s no one that wants heads to roll more than me when it comes to people stealing food out of the company refrigerator. Honestly, I think it’s time Congress got involved in this one. But you have to figure that at least 50 percent of the time, your food is accidentally thrown out or moved. Then there’s the person who swears someone is ruining their life:
Chick: “WHO ATE MY BABA GANOUSH AND MY ORGANIC SAUERKRAUT SANDWICH!?! I SWEAR I WILL MAKE THEIR CHILDREN ORPHANS IF I FIND OUT! AND YESTERDAY, THEY DRANK MY LAST TABLESPOON OF SPOILED BUTTERMILK!”
And since I’m the resident fat guy, everyone turns to me. Now I know what a black guy in a trenchcoat in a department store feels like … Now, I know.
The Men’s Room Whistler: You might have read my “15 Men’s Restroom Rules,” but I never discussed this guy. You never see him because you’re taking care of your duties (see what I did there?) in the handicapped stall, which is your god-given right as an American! This fella saunters in and starts whistling a tune that doesn’t exist over at the urinal. He’s up there with the D-bag that doesn’t turn the sound off on his phone while he plays video games on the can. In my current office, I’m pretty sure it’s the same guy – and his name rhymes with Schmoberto.
Born-in-the-‘80s Girl: She usually chimes in when everyone’s dropping “Seinfeld” or “Caddyshack” references.
Chick: “I know you’re referencing a TV show I should know, right?”
Me: “Uhhh, yeah. You don’t know where, ‘You can’t spare a square?’ comes from? It’s “Seinfeld!”
Chick: “Oh. Yeah, I never watched that. I was born in 1988!”
Look. Girl. I was born in 1971, but I know that Dick Van Dyke always trips over that damn ottoman, Sgt. Carter HATES Pvt. Pyle and Ricky Ricardo was Cuban back before they were Russian!
She’s also the workmate that regularly goes to bed about the time you wake up each morning. She alerts all her friends the minute you tell her you like a certain song/band, so that they all now know that it is no longer cool.
Guy You Could Never Do a Bank Heist With: You know those days when you get in early and get your work done, and ask your boss if you can take off early, and he obliges reluctantly? Then, as you’re packing up and trying to slip out around 4:30pm, THIS guy yells, “Ohhhh, working a half-day today!?!” across the entire office. Awesome.
The Computer-Monitor Monitor: This is a two-parter, and is most likely two different people. I hate when someone sidles up behind you and stares at your monitors and says, “Whatcha doin’? What site is that?” Usually, it’s right after you’ve clicked on a NSFW site your buddies sent you. “Oh, uhhh, nothing?” Or they walk up to you right in the middle of the dirty email you’re sending to your lady friend. When you come up to my desk, you should look at the ceiling tiles, announce yourself and then wait for me to invite you into a conversation. That’s not too much to ask!
The second “monitor” offender is the person that comes up to your desk to show you something– and she touches your monitor like 14 times. This usually happens moments after she finished off a 5-piece dinner from Popeye’s, wiping enough grease on your monitor to spell “H-I-P-P-O-P-O-T-A-M-U-S”! Even worse is when they realize it and try to wipe it off and just smear it everywhere.
The Mooch: I’m a firm believer in celebrating Snack:30 every day, which usually hits around 3-4pm. And as a fat guy, I obviously plan these things out. I bring snacks or I time the vending machine reloading just right. And invariably, there will be the one chick that RARELY brings something herself, ‘cuz you know, they’re watching their weight. But then she says this:
Chick: “Ooooooooooh, whatcha eatin’? That looks goooooooooooooooood!”
Me: “Uhhh, yeah, I brought some cheese and crackers. I brought the exact amount for one serving.”
Chick: “Mmmmmmmm, nice. I’ve never had that kind. I bet it’s tasty.”
(At this point, most normal humans would just toss her a cracker in the corner and let her chase it to get her away from you. But this is where I really dig in my heels.)
Me: “Yeah, oh man, this is good! Might be the best batch ever! Sadly, I doubt I’ll be able to eat it all and I’ll probably just throw it directly into the bathroom trash.”
I eventually instituted a Fantasy-Football inspired “No Freebies Trade Policy.” You want some of the snacks I bring in, you gotta trade me something that I want. It really is a great idea, and I’ve ended up with some great snacks on the return.
For instance, I tweeted about one of my all-time best Snack:30 Trade deals:
— David Gonos (@davidgonos) April 12, 2012
@davidgonos That's a Herschel Walker lunch trade…if it were the whole block, I'd say you got rooked.
— Daniel E. Dobish (@danieledobish) April 12, 2012
But then again, sometimes you make deals you later regret. Like, I still have a packet of Flax Seed Instant Oatmeal. I don’t even know what I traded away for it – but I guarantee it was not drafted in my Candy Bar Mock Draft.
Earphones-Too-Loud Person: We get it. You like to rock out. There’s no possible way you can listen to that music and enjoy it when it’s loud enough for people three rows away to hear it. We promise we’ll believe that you listen to Jay-Z if you just turn it down.
Elevator Idiots: It amazes me how no one understands how to deal with an elevator. My biggest pet peeve is the chick (Why is it always women?) that is checking her phone when the elevator doors open, steps in and doesn’t move to the back. MOVE! Should I get into the elevator through the back entrance? All because she’s texting her boyfriend that he is self-centered.
Too-Smart IT Guys and Developers: This is one of those nouveau douche categories of people that really only came along in the past 20 years.
Me: “Hey buddy, every time I hit the ‘H’ button, my computer catches fire and sends an email to every left-handed person I know, calling them an idiot in Swahili.”
IT Guy: “Did you reboot your computer?”
My other favorite is when you tell a developer that there’s a problem with your company’s website.
Me: “Hey, the website’s order form is screwed up. Every time I try to fill it out, it sends me to a lolcats website instead.”
Developer: “It’s not supposed to do that.”
Me:”… Yeah … I know. That’s why I’m telling you.”
- They drain the last drop of coffee from the pot and don’t make another pot, just before you walk in – forcing you to make a pot, then go sit back at your desk, only to return and find that one drained as well.
- Or they leave exactly one drop of coffee in the pot, leaving the burner on, and creating a burned, charred coffee scab at the bottom of the pot. The break room now smells like a burnt popcorn fart, and you have to clean out the tough-to-clean pot before you ever get any coffee down your gullet. This person clearly doesn’t know anything about Office Health and Safety!
- They don’t understand that one bag of premeasured coffee is good enough for the coffeemaker, so they put in one –and-a-half bags, and you end up with a cup full o’ coffee syrup. The manager buys a tonne of hot drink supplies from Office Monster at the start of the month and halfway through the month there’s none left!
IM Guy: This is the guy whose IM name is REALLY close to your boss’ IM name? And you have a tiny panic attack every time you send a link you shouldn’t be sending. Just change your IM name already! You’ve probably taken three years off my life. Don’t make me stop sending you great links that aren’t always that great.
Are there some annoying people in your office that I’m forgetting about? Like the guy that blogs about people in your office and thinks he’s funny? What a douche!
David Gonos spent 5 years as a CBSSports.com Senior Fantasy Writer and three more years writing with SI.com. Over the past 17 years, his work has been published on NFL.com, MLB.com, FanDuel, FoxSports.com and USA Today. Since 2001, he has been tracking down the Top 50-plus Free Fantasy Football Draft Tools online. You can contact David Gonos here.