12 Ways to Know You Are at a Crappy Super Bowl Party

An old football-watching buddy of mine emailed me a few years ago reminiscing about a bad Super Bowl party or two that we had been to together. Tom reminded me of the time my brother-in-law invited us over to his house for the ’99 Super Bowl (Falcons and Broncos), and then when we got there, he had a 20″ TV and a bad cable connection.

We were also together at a Super Bowl party in ’94 (49ers and Chargers) when some guy had a karaoke machine. And he kept yelling, “Fumble-aya!!!”

During the ’96 Super Bowl (Steelers and Cowboys), some chick sat in a prime seat (you know the ones: direct viewing angle, cushy bottom, short reach for snackage) and she talked about everything else in the world except the game, which she could care less about. This was also the party that my brother-in-law (same one) was using a red laser pointer to play with the cat in front of the television for like, I don’t know, six hours.

Tom remembered all of these — apparently I had blocked them out of my memory until he brought them back up.

I need counseling again. Thanks Tom.

This does explain why I’m quick to snap on someone nowadays, though. There’s no way I let some Chatty Cathy go on and on during the whole Super Bowl again. A karaoke machine would have no chance. I’m less of a man for even being associated with that now.

So Tom explained to me that he and another friend (Carl) got together to make a Super Bowl pact: They will always do a Super Bowl together only at their houses for the next 10 years. This is a great idea!

Another rule they added is that the people invited to the Super Bowl party had to have come over at some point during the season to watch a game. That weeds out the looky-loos and the Bruno Mars fans. And if they did come over at some point during the season, they:

• Did not talk more than 10 percent of non-football related topics
• Brought good snacks
• Didn’t bring noisy kids
• And they proved their football knowledge. As Tom mentioned, the midseason game is really just an interview for the Super Bowl party.

Before we get into the bad Super Bowl parties, remember to try these non-crappy recipes for your Super Bowl party snacks — Spicy Popcorn and Spicy Turkey Chili! And if you are bringing chips over to someone’s house, make sure you check my Best Chips Ever Mock Draft, so you don’t bring a loser.

You may not find yourself at a bad Super Bowl party — but rest assured, there are probably dozens of other bad Super Bowl parties going on within a few blocks of your house.

12 Ways to Know You Are at a Crappy Super Bowl Party

1. The word “vegetarian” is mentioned a little too much — as in once.

2. People “Shush” you when you scream at the referees — or the hostess.

3. People go pee during the game, so they are ready for the commercials.

4. You see people wearing “I Heart Politics” t-shirts rather than Eagles or Patriots.

5. No one laughs at your John Madden impression — but instead, they ask if you’ve recently been concussed.

6. You are invited to arrive within just an hour of kickoff. Super Bowl breakfasts should always be included.

7. Any of the following quotes are heard:

• “Who’s playing?”
• “He kicked a touchdown!”
• “When is the two-minute warning?”

8. When someone says, “Fumble-aya!” more than zero times.

9. One Giants fan in attendance (we’ll call him Emack) is dating a girl that’s a Patriots fan (we’ll call her Emack’s ex-ex-girlfriend/current wife Shannon) and the first touchdown scored results in one of them cheering, the other getting mad, and finally the night ends with a call to the police — because Emack felt scared.

10. When you are seated next to a fat guy that is sweating profusely, smells like garlic and asks you for your medical opinion on a rash on his back during the game-winning drive.

11. Five kids run around screaming for someone to put in “Scooby Doo and the Reluctant Werewolf” — then someone does.

12. When the hosts told you they had a “60-inch TV,” they actually meant that’s how high the television is up off the ground.

Please feel free to add some of your own. And remember, staying at home to watch a game is still much better than going to it live these days.