A good piece of chocolate can make your day better. Diabetes, obesity, bad skin, spoiled dinners and chocolate smears on your face aside, the best candy bars ever make life awesome!
My friends at FifthPeriodLunch.com posted a blog listing the top five candy bars ever. Check it out when you get a chance, and without spoiling anything, I’ll just let you know that I nearly choked on the nine candy bars I was eating at the time, when I saw Mr. Goodbar listed in the top three.
That spurred me on to figure out my own list of the best candy bars ever. And of course, I had to make a mock draft out of it, just to make it fun.
Now remember, this is for chocolate candy bars, so there won’t be any Paydays or Laffy Taffy or Airheads. And these are “bars,” so there’s not going to be any M&Ms or Raisinets or Goobers or Junior Mints.
And of course, NOT SKITTLES!
I have to say, I didn’t realize just how many candy bar references there are in Seinfeld until I started to write this.
Ready to debate me on your favorites? If so, without further ado, I give you the candy lineup … mock draft.
Best Candy Bars Ever – Mock Draft
Chocolate, caramel, peanuts and nougat. It’s LaDainian Tomlinson in their prime. With annual global sales at $2 billion a year, I expect few arguments. While George Costanza likes to eat his with a knife and fork, I like mine out of the fridge.
I was just eight years old when the Twix bar was introduced to the American market in 1979. As a child, it was my favorite candy bar (I didn’t like the peanuts in the Snickers bar). When Twix introduced a cookie bar covered in caramel and chocolate – it must have been like when color TV was introduced, or when girls first started wearing bikinis, or when toilet paper came with two plies.
- MAN: Hey, this Clark bar is good!
- COSTANZA: It’s a Twix! They’re all Twix! It was a setup! A setup, I tell ya! And you’ve robbed it! You’ve all screwed me again! Now, gimme one! Gimme a Twix!
- MECHANIC: They’re all gone!
- COSTANZA: TWWWWWWIIIIIIIIIIIXXXXX!!!!
Again, from the fridge. Then I like to slowly chisel away the chocolate, nibbling all around it until I have a full bite of the inside peanut butter “bark.” I’m quite mad, you know.
@davidgonos Debated putting Butterfingers in there… then I remembered how much of that junk gets stuck in your teeth!
— Fifth Period Lunch (@5thPeriodLunch) June 21, 2012
Did you know that they had to change the name of the $100,000 bar to the 100 Grand bar because Europeans kept calling it the 79,321€ bar? Chocolate, caramel and rice crispies together in two little bars. The problem, though, is when you bite into one of the bars, your teeth are caked and you can’t talk/smile for a few minutes. I wish they would have FOUR smaller bars, rather than two BIG bars. This would be wish No. 2 when I finally find a genie lamp, right after I wish I was 15 again, and right before I wish for someone to find a lost season of The Sopranos. DANG! I always forget to wish for more wishes!
Again, a candy bar with a crunch usually beats any other candy bar. If you don’t hate yourself, you should also try snapping into a Big Kat bar, which is basically like a regular Kit-Kat bar to Andre the Giant.
Here we go, the first wide receiver taken in your football draft. I realize this isn’t exactly a candy “bar,” but one wouldn’t be able to eat a long Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. It’s all about physics. I’d explain it to you, but you’d just feel dumb afterward.
How many times a week does this guy say, “I’ve tried every diet, but nothing works for me.”
Hold your protests for just a second. Rice crispies, chocolate, caramel and peanut butter – it’s like a steak wrapped in bacon, covered in cheese and pork chops. It’s awesome. My suggestion for you is this – eat a Whatchamacallit after it has been in the freezer for over an hour. You’re welcome.
The only problem with a Nestle Crunch is that it seems like it’s just too small or thin. Charge me double, make it thicker, then I’ll raise your spot in the rankings. Until then – eighth!
The Milky Way candy bar is like Michael Turner. Excellent, but missing something. Turner can’t catch and the Milky Way needs more nuts. Think Mike Lowell — you’ll get it eventually.
These two guys try to eat five Milky Way candy bars in five minutes. Sounds easy, until you really think about it. Plus, the rules are — you have to finish one candy bar completely before starting the next one.
I can already hear the gasps in disbelief that I would rank this candy bar so low. It’s good, don’t get me wrong. I just don’t think there’s enough to it to rank it higher. LITTLE KNOWN FACT: In the ’30s, when this bar was created, it originally had three little bars inside, with chocolate, strawberry and vanilla flavors. (Get it, 3 Musketeers?)
I can’t remember which comedian talks about this (Daniel Tosh?), but why doesn’t a Mounds bar cost less than the Almond Joy? Same bar, minus two almonds. Anyway … I used to not like coconut. Not sure why, the texture maybe? It always felt like I was chewing on stringy bits of things not meant to be chewed. But now, I love it! Weird. Oh, and not only does Mounds NOT have almonds, but it’s also dark chocolate instead of milk chocolate! Who are these masochists that choose a Mounds bar over an Almond Joy!?! And finally – shouldn’t Almond Joy be called, “Mounds,” since it has little mounds where the almonds are? Then they could call the other candy bar, “No Almonds or Joy.”
Crazy, right? I imagine you’ve never even tried this candy bar! They’re kinda tough to find. But when you do, eat each square of goodness slowly. Let the chocolate melt away before crunching on the bits of almond toffee … Feel free to put on some ‘70s porn music while you do this.
For those scoring at home, there were three Nestle, four Mars and five Hershey chocolate bars making up the top 12.
2.01 Baby Ruth
2.02 Hershey’s Chocolate Bar with Almonds
2.03 York Peppermint Patty
2.04 Heath Bar
2.06 Hershey’s Cookies ‘n Cream
2.07 Twix PB
Replace the caramel with peanut butter and life is still awesome. When will they come out with one that has chocolate, peanut butter AND caramel? Would it blow our minds?
2.08 Cadbury Egg
2.09 Nestle Chunky
Chocolate, raisins and peanuts in a big trapezoidal chunk. It was originally made with cashews, chocolate, raisins – and Brazil nuts! No wonder they changed the recipe. That’s like hearing that Snickers used to have minced garlic in it.
2.10 5th Avenue
This is like the evil doppelganger to the Butterfinger bar. I’ll eat it, but I won’t be all that happy about it!
2.11 Oh Henry!
2.12 Mr. Goodbar
The final tally for the chocolate candy bar companies in the top 24: Hershey’s (13), Nestle (6) and Mars (5).
For the record, I’d take Milk Duds, Rollo and Whoppers over those final three candy bars:. But they aren’t bars, sooooo …
What are your favorite candy bars? How far off was I in my rankings? Do you hate Butterfingers? Are you a communist?
David Gonos spent 5 years as a CBSSports.com Senior Fantasy Writer and three more years writing with SI.com. Over the past 17 years, his work has been published on NFL.com, MLB.com, FanDuel, FoxSports.com and USA Today. Since 2001, he has been tracking down the Top 50-plus Free Fantasy Football Draft Tools online. You can contact David Gonos here.