So Gonos zaps me an email, “Hey man, want to host a Fantasy Baseball Awards Show?” and I was all like “For sure, dude, love to.”
I didn’t realize that I was going to be handing out quarterly Fantasy Baseball awards for a sport that doesn’t even have quarters! Furthermore, there are no after parties, red carpets or nominees luncheons, and I’m in charge of nominations and the only judge. So basically, I’m randomly selecting categories to give out fake awards based on fake baseball performances.
I know, sounds sweet doesn’t it! And I’m hosting so we don’t have any debacles like Conan’s attempt to get to the Emmys.
Hit the music, or whatever you do at these things and let’s get this show on the road, you gorgeous human person you! (Man, I am a natural at this host thing, must be all the parties I threw as a teenager.)
2013 First-Quarter Fantasy Baseball Awards
Andre Dawson Award
Handed out to the fantasy baseball player who has joined a new team and absolutely mashed, like The Hawk did in 1987.
Mark Reynolds: I had to start off with an easy one, as my wife would say, “Come on Man!?!” Reynolds had an ADP of 256 and is currently ranked 22nd on the ESPN Player Rater, Helllllo? Obviously, Reynolds has been hanging out with Drew Carey and loving him some Buzz Beer!
Larry Jones Award
Handed out to the young Fantasy Baseball shortstop who is pushed to third and becomes an All Star like Chipper did in 1996.
Manny Machado: He is a lot younger than Chipper too, he could easily hit 20 bombs, drive in 100, score 110 and steal over 15 bags, all with a .300 batting average. Man this guy is a rare example of a player who may be better than advertised! I wonder if Manny has ever been to Double Dime Ranch?
Aaron Rowand Award
Handed out to the Fantasy Baseball player who has joined a new team and absolutely gone ice cold, like Long Neck did in 2008.
BJ Upton: Alright, it is still easy and Josh Hamilton is an obvious choice too, but he is turning it around. Upton had an ADP of 48 and is currently sitting on 9 runs, to go along with his 3 home runs and stolen bases. He is hitting around a buck-fifty and striking out almost a third of the time he goes to bat.
Randy Johnson Award
Handed out to the Fantasy Baseball pitcher who absolutely dominants, like The Big Unit did in 2001 with his 371 strikeouts.
Yu Darvish: He actually has a shot at 300, no seriously, he does, he already has 80. His 6 wins, sub 1 WHIP and 2 point whatever ERA are very Unit like too. I’m not going to compare heights and ethnicities, or did I just do that? Regardless, Darvish is absolutely dominating!
John Smoltz Award
Handed out to the Fantasy Baseball pitcher who all of a sudden loses his jazz in his prime, like Smoltzy did in 1994.
Cole Hamels: The strikeouts are down, the ratios are up and the veteran lefty is 1 and 6 on the season. What gives Cole? Just because your wife is a reality TV girl doesn’t mean you should ignore us fantasy baseball lovers. Fianlly, he is coming off a beatdown from the Indians.
Hideo Nomo Award
Handed out to the Fantasy Baseball pitcher who breaks into the league striking out everyone, like The Tornado did in 1995.
Shelby Miller: Kid is dealing for the Cards and boasts 5 wins already, to go along with his 50 plus punchouts. Even better, Miller was being drafted around the same time as Mark Reynolds this draft season, his ADP was 254. I credit Dave Parker with all my shares and I’m talking about my father, not The Cobra.
Bobby Abreu Award
Handed out to the young Fantasy Baseball player who puts up a great roto season like El Comedulce first did in 1998.
Starling Marte: The guy is scoring and driving them in, going yard and swiping at will. His batting average shouldn’t drop enough to hurt too much and at his current pace Marte is set for a 20-40 season and that is some good fake baseball folks! 220 players went on average before the Peg-Leg in drafts and he is currently 3rd on the ESPN Player Rater.
Jeff Bagwell Award
Handed out to the consistent 30 HR, 100 RBI Fantasy Baseball staple at first base, like Baggy was from 1996 to 2001.
Prince Fielder: Take away 2010 and you’ve got the same production and at 29, there are a few more years left in the tank, especially if he takes up bacon! Fielder is going to easily eclipse those benchmarks and if anyone else was hitting in front of him he’d push for 150 RBIs this season.
Neil Allen Award
Handed out to the Fantasy Baseball Closer who went late and cheap, yet proved to reward his owners like The Pride of Glenn Waggoner’s team did in 1980 for 2 dollars in the first ever Fantasy Baseball Draft.
Edward Mujica: Even back in 1980 they didn’t have to pay for saves and Mujica likely came for free this year. Now the Cards closer has 11 saves without a blemish, great ratios and a key role on a dominant ball club. If he had the job from day one he’d be closing in on 18 or even 20 saves now.
And there you have it folks, my first-quarter Fantasy Baseball awards! If you’d like to give a player a First Quarter Fantasy Baseball Award please do so in the comments below. Finally, make sure to check back in July for the mid-season Fantasy awards!
I’m a Loyal Leafs, Cubs, and Cowboys fan for decades. I wear the C for The Fake Hockey, in addition to contributing to The Fake Baseball and The Fake Football in more of a Timmy Try Hard role. You can also find my weekly fantasy baseball preview here at davidgonos.com and can reach me on Twitter @naparker77.