Your Fantasy Football draft can be the best day of the year, despite having to deal with several of these characters in your league. Fantasy Football owners are usually a different breed. If none of these characters sound familiar for your league – you might be THAT guy!
The Super Douchebag: Picks a player that’s already been taken, then after discovering the player is unavailable, he goes off on the guy that drafted him so early, saying what a horrible draft pick it was.
Bad Keeper Trade Guy: This smart fella is always trying to dump off his crappy keepers for draft picks or a better keeper. “Dude, LeGarrette Blount is going to blow up this year! What will you give me for him?” Then, when you point out that you’re not really interested, he takes a shot at you. “Whatever, man, you’re missing out. I can’t believe you’d rather have Fred Jackson and Darren Sproles.” Finally, you point out that he should keep Blount … then he walks away.
Mister Mistake: “Wait, wait, can we back that pick up!?! That’s not who I wanted.” He’s also the guy that accidentally drafts nine wide receivers, but no tight end or defense, and the commissioner has to figure out how to undo his bird’s nest of idiocy. He would never do good guessing prices on “The Price is Right,” the audience would be all in his head.
Sports Card Collector Guy: His team is mostly made of rookies and sophomores. This guy usually says stuff like, “I saw some film of this kid against Eastern Washington and I swear, he’s the next Jerry Rice.”
Time Machine Guy: Always ends up drafting the best team in the league – from two years ago. “Terrell Owens, Chad Johnson and Randy Moss in the same Fantasy lineup!?! You guys are screwed.”
Transaction Jackson: Not only does he have three or four trades done before the draft is over, but he also has the commissioner working overtime with post-draft add/drops.
Overconfident Insecure Guy: After every one of his picks, he immediately turns around and dares someone to question it. When no one says anything, he decides to rattle off a couple stats about his guy. Just in case you were thinking about questioning the pick. I don’t know why, but he’s one of my favorite types of Fantasy Football owners.
Bad Luck Guy: “That’s the third time you’ve stolen my guy!” He’s exasperated and always scrambling because he’s been put on tilt with no backup plan.
Irritable Bowels Syndrome Guy: Needs a couple more breaks during the draft so he can “check the plumbing” in the bathroom. The extra stress of the draft wreaks havoc on his bowels. Of course, it never works out that he picks on the end of a round, so he can have plenty of time between picks, but he’s always sixth or seventh in the order.
NFL Fan Guy: Wears a Mark Bavaro jersey and usually goes with a quarterback in the first round and backs him up with a second QB in the sixth round. Still hasn’t gotten a grasp on the intricacies of the game, as evidenced by his two kickers and two wide receivers. “Yeah, but Roddy White never misses a game. Why do I need backups?”
TMI Guy: He has the third pick in the draft and takes up his whole two minutes because he had to get caught up scratching out names on all nine cheat sheets. The three magazines he brought keep falling on the ground, and his iPad sits on his laptop.
Why-Are-You-Even-Here Guy: He doesn’t have a team in your league, but he gave a ride to one of the other owners, so he’s hanging out for the entire draft. Luckily, for you guys, he’s going to give his analysis on every one of your picks, every one of which is no good.
A-Little-Too-Into-Your-Pets Guy: Your dog doesn’t know what to do with all of the attention he’s getting from this one, weird Fantasy owner that insists on petting him non-stop. Pepper is giving you a look like a guy that’s getting attention from the super hot chick and he doesn’t know why.
Babysitter Guy: His wife had to go for a pedicure, so he’s playing Mr. Mom with the 6-year-old boy. It’s OK, he has his video games. But no cussing and please put a coaster under that beer. This guy is dangerously close to being booted from the fraternity of Fantasy Football owners.
Four Beers and Open Bag of Chips Guy: Everyone’s appreciative that you’re hosting the Fantasy draft for the sixth consecutive year, especially since you do up some great barbecue. You just ask the guys to bring what they’ll drink – and this guy shows up with a mix-and-match six-pack, with four beers in it, along with an open bag of chips that he promptly finishes off as soon as he sits down. He also manages to down an eight-pack of beer.
Unsure of Himself Guy: Asks the guy next to him during the entire draft, “What do you think of this guy?” And every time he makes a pick, he immediately looks around waiting to see if anyone’s going to mock him, then wipes the sweat from his brow and begins worrying about his next pick.
Hungover Guy Too-Busy-Getting-Laid-to-Study-Cheat-Sheets: Grabs a magazine on his way to the draft, opens a beer before sitting, and begins to tell the tales of the previous night to the eager ears of married guys.
Mispronunciation Guy: Has an affinity for drafting players he can’t pronounce or always forgets the first name of. “OK, with the 12th pick in the fourth round, I’ll take BenThomas Green-Jarvus. And I’ll follow him up with my first pick in the fifth round: Denarious Thomas.”
Are there any types of Fantasy Football owners I’m missing that usually make an appearance in your draft? And don’t let your commissioner off the hook either, just because he has a lot of jobs.